OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
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Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?