You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
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It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.