Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
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Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.