I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
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Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
*puts my mental health in rice
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Yup….perfect score!
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.