For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
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Hello Twits.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
it was love at first sight
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Best seat on the street 😍
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
good morning
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.