Mmmm canned fish.
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Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people