Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
You Might Also Like
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button