Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
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Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.