Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
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Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*