A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
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I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Wait a minute
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien