A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
You Might Also Like
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
âJust be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.â
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Kids will do something that makes you angry and youâll tell them it makes you angry and theyâll cry and tell you they donât want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: Iâve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? đ
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? đ
Them: …many, many laws.
If youâre going to text your boss that youâre an hour late, make sure you end with âIâm bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.â
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
mail is cool because 99% of the time itâs like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time itâs something youâll go to jail for if you donât look at
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
This is literally the only instance Iâve ever seen someone âasking for itâ
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.