Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
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Rooting for the overdog
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college