“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
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i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”