[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
You Might Also Like
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Help Wanted
new year update: losing everything but weight
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.