I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
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Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
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The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
A friend sent me this.
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My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.