Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
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I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present