trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
You Might Also Like
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.