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Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Van Gone
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
*limbos under the caution tape
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME