Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
You Might Also Like
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east