This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
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Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.