thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
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If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.