My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
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What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.