cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
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Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.