Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
These work great until they don’t.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream