You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
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Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Haha good job!!
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago