Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
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Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.