In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
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I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
A classic…
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what