Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
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Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
My time has come.
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son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world