Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
You Might Also Like
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Why is everyone getting married at me
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.