“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
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[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Husband: so you know it鈥檚 ok to admit that you鈥檙e wrong sometimes.
Me: I鈥檓 not saying I鈥檓 wrong but I could have been more right.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you鈥檙e hired
Me: I鈥檓 sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU鈥橰E IN MY WAY!!!
Yesterday鈥檚 me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today鈥檚 me now has to live with that poor decision.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I’m calling the cops.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must鈥檝e made this before
It鈥檚 National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
relationship goals
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 馃槒”
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he鈥檚 got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn鈥檛 sugar make you fit and contoured
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?