Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
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*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
If a snake ate a cake
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.