You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
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Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever