Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
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all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
my mind
You just read my mind
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that