him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
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Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan