Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
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And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.