Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
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Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Saturday
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat