Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
ME (calling my horse with no name):
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.