What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
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Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
*skinny dips into black hole
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed