*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
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“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I missed you with all my darts
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.