Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
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My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
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If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I am patiently waiting for your email
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.