Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
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There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.