[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
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*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease