Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
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[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Admin smashed it 😂
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
describing stardew valley
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no