[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
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Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
If only
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.