Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
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I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad