Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
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Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
doing your own taxes
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.