My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
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I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.