Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
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12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Facebook memories be like
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.