I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
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Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that