Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
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All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
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I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Doctors texting each other.
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My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
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corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.