the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
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guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Life hack
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
do what now??
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader